Burnout isn’t just exhaustion - It’s values misalignment
What a spilled coffee taught me about burnout, values, and starting over
One Morning in Manhattan
One morning in my mid-twenties, I stopped for my usual coffee before work. As always, I was looking forward to savoring it for five minutes before heading into the office. But as the barista handed me the cup, it slipped. Coffee flooded the coffee and ran down my dress.
Out of nowhere, I burst into tears.
Other customers swarmed me to ask, “Are you okay? Did you get burned?” Physically I was fine, just stunned by my own reaction.
Later that morning, staring at my monitor, I realized why I cried: the coffee was the only thing I was looking forward to that day.
I’d love to tell you that after that a-ha moment I quit that job on the spot in search of more meaningful work.
But the truth is, I had rent to pay and no idea what I would rather be doing.
Six months later, I developed symptoms of a chronic illness that finally forced me to stop and reassess.
The Values Factor
It wasn’t until my late-twenties that I found the book I needed in my mid-twenties: “The Values Factor” by John Demartini. Unlike most values practices, it doesn’t ask you to pick from vague traits like “trust” or “honesty.” In fact, those are what Demartini calls “social ideals” - ethical traits that we all aspire to but that probably don’t mean much to us on a daily basis. Instead, his demonstrated values exercises asks you to examine what you actually do, including things like:
What you spend money on
What you talk about at parties
How you invest your time and energy
What you fill your room and desk with, and so on
When I took the demonstrated values assessment, it was the first time that I saw my own values and criteria for fulfillment clearly. I realized that the things I always considered beside the point - conversations with friends on EMDR and breathwork, hours spent improvising on the harp, reading biographies of women like Anais Nin and Elizabeth Taylor - were actually pointing me toward the point. They were reflections of different aspects of my values around psychological growth, femininity, and self-expression.
Because as John Demartini shares in “The Values Factor,” our values are the things that we naturally find fascinating, motivating, and energy. They are the things you would do even if no one paid you; the areas where questions and challenges excite you; and where your accomplishments feel meaningful and you feel successful.
One of the reasons I love sharing the demonstrated values process with women is because it helps them realize that they don’t need to go out on a yoga retreat to “find” their purpose. Their purpose is likely hiding in the conversation topics they can’t get enough of, the types of books they’re browsing, and where their time, energy, and focus naturally want to go.
Of course, there are other obstacles to your purpose. You may look at your personal values and immediately think, “I can’t make money from that” or “I didn’t get a degree in that, it would take forever to learn.” The good news is that these are “how” questions with many potential creative answers. If you’ve gotten clear on what areas light you up and are endlessly fascinating to you, you’ve overcome the biggest hurdle. There are endless creative possibilities for how you can pursue them in a way that satisfies you.
So if your morning coffee is the highlight of your day, I’ve been there. Here’s a 15-minute version of the Personal Values Map that can help you get clarity fast on your demonstrated values so you can create a roadmap to a life and career that’s more fulfilling.
