The Art of Shapeshifting
How to create a new identity when the old one no longer fits
Introduction
Three years ago, I was at a tipping point.
After four years with Lyme disease and arthritis, I was finally enjoying days when I could play music again or join volleyball games in the park. But the next morning, I’d often wake up to shocks of pain and inflammation.
“I’m tired of being sick,” I told my therapist one morning, exhausted and demoralized.
“Just because you still have some symptoms,” she asked, “does that make you sick?”
At first, her question felt absurd. Then I realized she wasn’t talking about health — she was talking about identity.
That was the day I realized I needed to piece myself back together like a Kintsugi vase, letting myself be whole and powerful even with a few flaws.
Since then, I’ve learned that changing your identity is one of the most profound (and challenging) transformations you can make. Your identity drives your beliefs, strategies, and behavior. A woman who believes she’s attractive and worthy of love demonstrates it in everything she does, whereas a woman who doesn’t may seek love and dress beautifully, but will often undermine herself.
But how do you change your identity? How do you start to believe you’re powerful when your body feels weak or beautiful when illness or aging has changed what you hoped to see in the mirror?
It’s a question every woman faces as her body changes through healing, motherhood, perimenopause, or menopause, and her sense of self evolves in response.
Here’s what I’ve learned about the art of recreating your identity when the old one no longer fits.
#1. Define Identity on Your Own Terms
Even when the words you use to describe yourself stay the same, the meaning behind them will evolve.
Since I was young, I’ve wanted to be beautiful.
At sixteen, beautiful looked like Adriana Lima on the cover of a Victoria’s Secret catalogue. At thirty-two, I’m more inspired by a young Diane Keaton as she’s singing unguarded on the Johnny Carson Show, or Yazemeenah Rossi, radiant and free in her sixties.
The more I live, the more my definitions of beauty, femininity, and power deepen and expand.
Your identity is meant to evolve. The key is to take charge of the process.
A few months ago, I worked with a client in her mid-forties who was anxious about perimenopause. She had always defined her attractiveness by her flat belly, which was becoming harder to maintain. Her mood rose and fell based on what she saw in the mirror each morning.
So I asked her if she could find ways to broaden her definition of attractiveness to include features like her gorgeous smile, sense of humor, expressive eyes, and elegant style. As her concept of beauty widened, she was able to relax into a new sense of confidence.
If you’re struggling to redefine yourself, seek role models who embody what you want to grow into.
If you can’t be strong like Arnold Schwarzenegger, you can still be strong like Nelson Mandela or Viktor Frankl. If you’re navigating menopause and want examples of sensuality and authenticity, look to Helen Mirren, Cher, or Diane Keaton.
Above all, remember that when an old identity no longer fits, it’s a sign of growth. Like a snake shedding its skin, you’re ready to step into something that fits where you are in your life.
#2. Let Little Steps Lead the Way
They say love is a verb; so is identity.
If you want to see yourself as loving, courageous, or healthy, start by asking:
How would that kind of person behave?
When I asked myself what a healthy woman would do, my answers were simple:
She would eat whole foods that nourish her body.
She would move every day and go to the gym three times a week.
She would say yes to social invitations and show up carefree.
She would meditate and maintain a positive and resilient mindset.
Looking at that list, I realized I was already living most of it. Apart from my mental health routine, I was that woman.
Once I realized that, my flare-ups became like a broken leg: they were inconvenient, but no longer part of my identity.
So if there’s a quality you’re ready to grow into, imagine yourself six months from now, already embodying it.
Then ask: What would she be doing today? And start there.
#3. Remove Labels That Hold You Back
Labels are double-edged swords. They connect you to a community and keep you stuck at the same time.
When you wear the label of the “survivor” or “good girl” long enough, it becomes like a costume you forget you’re still wearing. You forget it once described a behavior or phase, not who you are.
A teenager labeled “awkward” is simply learning social skills.
An adult labeled “avoidant” has a nervous system pattern that can be re-wired.
So instead of saying:
“I’m a Lyme warrior,” try “I had a Lyme infection in my twenties.”
“I’m avoidant,” try “I’m teaching my nervous system to feel safe with intimacy.”
“I’m awkward,” try “I’m learning to feel at ease in connection.”
When you shift a label into a learning process, you stop defining yourself by the past and start defining yourself by potential.
Conclusion
Like the space between heaven and hell, who you are now and want to be are often one inch apart.
The mindset shift I needed to decide I was healthy after four years of Lyme disease was simple, but it moved a mountain in me. It changed the meaning of pain and allowed me to stay calm after flare-ups that would have previously left me demoralized. It helped me own the space between what I was experiencing and who I am.
If you’re in the midst of your own identity shift…
My dear friend and NLP trainer Joy and I are hosting a workshop on Sunday, Nov. 9. Together we’ll:
Meet you in the space between who you’ve been and who you’re becoming
Guide you to step into the future with curiosity, trying on new identities to experience how they look, sound, and feel
Teach you how to clarify what needs to change now and how to structure it as an achievable outcome
Lead you through a creative process to define who you choose to become on your own terms, rather than society’s
If you’re ready to take a leap of courage and start writing your next chapter, we’d love to have you join us:
